Going it alone
I got out of the shower today and dried off. I brushed through my hair and then stood in front of the mirror and just looked at myself. I looked at my 40-year old body and I felt sad. I am overweight, out of shape, soft and round. I am not happy with my weight and my shape right now, but that’s not what made me feel sad. I felt sad because I have been treating my body so poorly. I have this ONE body and I am not moving it, not nurturing it. I looked at my pale face and I felt a surge of emotion run through me. I went from sadness to anger to determination. I could see my feeling change in my eyes. And right there in the bathroom, naked and fat and determined I dropped and did 20 squats.
And then I did 20 lunges.
And 20 shoulder presses.
20 dead lifts and 20 bicep curls.
I did 20 overhead reaches and 20 rows.
I did this all naked in front of the mirror and it was NOT pretty. I was out of breath when I finished and I was sweating. I stood there and watched my chest rise and fall with my breaths and I said out loud, “I’m fucking changing this shit.”
I believe me. I was cussing so I must be serious.
I don’t want to feel uncomfortable anymore. I want to move.
The hardest part isn’t going to be exercising, it’s going to be loving myself through it all. I am not the most patient person, but I will have to take a deep breath and learn to be patient with me. My body belongs to me. I belong to me. I’m tired of being mean to me. I’m the meanest person I know to myself and quite frankly I’m not going to take it anymore.
I have to do this alone. I can’t wait for my husband or my best friend or my mom to join me. I can’t depend on anyone to walk beside me on this path. I have to do this on my own and learn to be MY OWN support system. I have to learn that when I fail, I fail alone and when I succeed I succeed alone.
Why do I feel so adamant about doing this alone? Because I know that the motivation to be healthy and to take care of myself has to come from inside. I know that if I don’t want to do it, no one will convince me otherwise. I know that if I fall or if I rise, no one will feel the heartache or feel the triumph as deeply as I will. That is why the onus lies with me. The responsibility to move my ass lies with me. The job of feeding myself healthy foods is all mine.
Most people say that to really succeed at something, especially a hard thing, you need a team. You need people to support you. I agree with that. But I have to get 100% on board myself before I can even THINK about asking someone else to put forth one bit of emotional energy to me. I have to commit to myself before I can have the audacity to ask someone else to commit to me. No one can force me to walk. No one can force me to push myself. So how can I ask someone to invest in me if I’m not fully invested myself?
So for now, to give myself the time to be fully invested, I go it alone.
I believe that once I’m able to receive all of my own love and support and determination and acceptance, then the outside support will show up without me having to ask for it. If I ask for outside support too soon, I won’t be in it 100%. I’ll go at it half-assed and wait for others to pick up my slack.
If I’m serious, I have to do the things that make me happy. I will not wait for someone else to make me happy. I will put on my own oxygen mask before I help others (a tired but effective cliche). I will work at being the best me and soon it won’t feel like work. It will feel like joy.
I want to move my body? So I will move my body.
I want to write a book? So I will write.
I want to push myself? So I will push.
I don’t need to wait for anyone else to tell me to move or write or push. I can do it all on my own.
I’m already starting. I believe in me.