I hate this day.
Emma is lying next to me, curled up on the heating pad trying to control her shivers. It’s chilly in the house and I bathed her today because when I woke up I found her lying in her crate covered in her own urine and feces.
She is tired. She is such an old girl and she has trouble holding her business. She used to whine and bark when she had an accident in her crate. I remember being woken at 3am with Emma’s barking and I felt so frustrated and angry. “Emma! Shush!” But Emma wouldn’t relent and I’d have to get up to clean her and her bedding.
Oh how I wish she barked like that this morning.
I made the call to have Emma euthanized in our home. I left a tearful message for the doctor to call me back, and now I wait, with a shaking Emma in my lap, for the phone call that will end her life.
I can’t stop crying. This hurts so much. My God, this hurts. I hold her and she feels like a part of me. Her little body is as familiar to me as my own. Holding her feels so natural and so…Emma. I know this is the right thing to do. I know her shivers aren’t from being cold anymore. She is in pain. She is shaking from the pain.
I gave her some pain medicine to help. Her shaking has eased some but mine has only worsened. My legs are asleep but I can’t get up. I can’t disturb her. I can’t go about my day.
I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. This hurts so much.
THIS HURTS SO MUCH!