You don’t have to try
I blogged my insecurities the other day. I am human and I feel insecure sometimes (a lot). I think I came across the wrong way. My wedding is about much more than my dress, although that is a huge burden that has been eased in my mind. The part that I keep thinking about is my question, “How can I seriously show my face as a bride again?” That seems silly to me now. Do I not deserve happiness because I’m divorced? I think I do. I know I do.
I had lunch with one of my favorite people today and we talked about my barfing wedding blog post. She asked me what I’m dreading. “Is it the planning part or throwing the party?” I considered her question before I answered. “It’s neither,” I said.
I don’t mind planning. Even though this “party” is what I’ll think about for the next six months (and the last five), I don’t mind. I expect the inevitable let down after it’s over; the anticlimactic feeling that comes after a big event, but I don’t mind pinning my ideas deep into the night. No, it’s not the planning.
The party sounds like a blast. I plan on dancing until my hair falls into a sweaty heap on my shoulders. I want to laugh and smile and wear myself out at our wedding party. We’re having a fire pit stationed in the backyard and I want to enjoy hearing good stories and hearty laughter around the flames. I envision our back yard as an oasis of twinkling lights, good music, and friends and family happy to be part of our Pi day. No, it’s not the party.
The ceremony: that’s the kicker. I think of how intimate my feelings for Patrick are, and the thought of vowing my love to him in front of a crowd makes my knees feel a little weak. You see, I’ve known love before and I’ve known loss. Even though when I married my former husband I thought it was forever, my love and loss have only taught me a deeper appreciation for the ways of the heart. I love Patrick deeper and stronger than I’ve ever loved anyone. I simply can’t imagine my life without him. I can’t fathom ever going through a break up. I can’t. I shake my head at the thought because when I start to contemplate it, my eyes fill with tears and I want to throw myself out of my skin. How do I vow my love for him in front of people? Our love is so intimate, so private, and so personal that I shudder at trying to share it with others. How can I? Who can understand us? Who gets us besides us? No one. No one ever knows another’s relationship and that’s how it should be.
What if someone at my wedding thinks, “Oh, here comes the bride AGAIN. Ha ha ha.” What if I feel that thought? What if before I vow my love and life to the man who knows my soul that thought enters my mind? What if our intimate moment is tainted by my insecurity? I can’t let that happen. We have to do this alone.
My sweet, brilliant friend reminded me today that the people who think those things aren’t invited. She said, “It’s only you and Patrick up at that altar.”
Thank you, friend. You, too know my heart.
When you’re engaged, every song speaks to you.
You don’t have to try so hard. You don’t have to give it all away. You don’t have to change a single thing.
This song has so much meaning for me. I deserve happiness. We all do. We are all worthy. We are enough.
Do you like you?
‘Cause I like you.